Think too much

Need a place to run.

I just reach the age of 24 this September and I already questioned myself, why the hell  do I change? Why did I change into someone I hate? I hate giving bullshit, I hate being fake, I hate to speak out of my proportion, I hate being hated, and I hate to talk about people behind their back.

But, look at me now. I speak occasionally about others, I easily give promises and then break it again, I run into problems in cause of what I said, I even think too much of things. What am I turning to? I get easily disgusted and I get annoyed at things. I hate these kind of things. I hate not being able to be talk serious about things, I hate to talk cheesy at times, I hate being someone that people can't count on. I hate it.


Why do I change? What for? How come?


Even I, myself don't know the answer. I just wanna run away. Run away from everything. Run away from people. Talk less, think less, focus to what matters the most: my life in Japan. How do I get there, what will I do there, what makes me want to go there.

People keep saying that this is a turning point of my life, the age where someone will start questioning themselves about what they really want. For me, I have a dream. Someday I will be in Japan, get a boyfriend, married and have a bunch of kids, and if God proceed, I wanna live in Japan, a place where my heart has been stuck into, ever since junior high school.

Junior high school.. thinking back, I wasn't the greatest and the cutest girl around either, I am just a plain person, someone who just want to make things simple and I gotta say, I didn't really like myself back then either. So many fake things I did just to make people around me happy and think that I am 'normal'.

'Normal'? Yeah, normal. I think at some point I think of myself as an abnormal person for liking things my age shouldn't like, talking like a nerd person, hiding behind what I really am. I might have to confess a bit, I think I'm a nerd at some point, but I keep denying it because I don't want to be one.

I just want to have a normal friends, friends who will stick with me eventhough I am weird, I talk weird, thinking about things from a weird point of view and a weird style. Hahahaha. I still think that sometimes what I think is different than others. When I think, why did it become A? The truth is that they are thinking of B. What the? Yeah, weird. I sometimes think about it too, people talking about things that didn't even across my mind. What is wrong with my brain?

Until college, I finally find people who will accept me for who I am, I changed into a different person. A much much better person, but still weird and still abnormal. When I start working, I don't know since when, I started to have a different personality, someone I really really oppose. Eventhough I talk less at the office, but looking back, I am not a really nice work colleague either.. I tried to blend in but in the end, I make a fence and try to stay away.

Stay away? From what? The fear of getting acknowledge as a weird person all going back to me again. I just can't be myself and that attitude is now in here, with me, inside me, controlling me. I don't know what to do and I don't have a place to run to...